Paranoid.

I admit that sometimes I have episodes of paranoia.

With my habit of overloading my brains with too much info, sometimes I cannot help myself from churning information that is not known whether it is authentic and foolproof. Especially, if it is very intriguing.

Like about this topic about Occult Symbolism (e.g Freemason, Satanist or Illuminati movements) that I recently discovered here.

I actually read this from a blog of my B&B reader, where she voiced out her scary thoughts about the topic. I have never stopped reading this site since.

Just so happened, this topic was also discussed in a local newspaper last Sunday, which helps contributing more to my paranoia. Last AJL at TV3 was “accused” to have elements of this ungodly movement, but honestly I am not sure whether it was just a coincidence or it was planned. Better be a coincidence.

From the site I read, some analysis has been done on many Hollywood stars in the music industry, including the eccentric Lady Gaga, the suddenly so daring Rihanna and Beyonce. After reading a few articles, I admit that some points are made pretty clear. Take Lady Gaga for example, I never get it why she is so full of mysterious and weird outfits and gigs, especially in her videos. Have you watched Bad Romance? Honestly that one gave me some chills. Its just..weird. (But the songs are quite catchy aren’t they?)

As for how true the author of the site is, I couldn’t say much. But from the way they write their piece, it’s a lie if I say it doesn’t make me think.

I am glad that I have my own beliefs to hold own to, at least that helps me to make my own evaluation of right and wrong. But the disturbing thing is how powerful this kind of thing could be, when it has the chance to penetrate into young and innocent minds. Their subtle hints and agendas are very easily missed, as it is using a somewhat harmless yet strong medium to poison minds (e.g music,entertainment).

God protect us from this, if it is ever true.

What do you think?

 p/s: I like the song Russian Roulette. But don’t you think that fanatic and weak fans of Rihanna could take it as an inspiration? Huhu.Spooky.

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Of having kids.

We were just starting up the week when our senior manager announced that one of our IT colleagues has tendered her resignation. The news was not new, as I have heard rumors around already. But the questioning point is that this lady is the kind of a person whom people label as a career driven and determined woman, why in the world would she resign? She is even recognized as one of our potential leaders in the company (I even had one episode of a heated discussion with her).

Then came another question, what is she going to do after her resignation? Stereotyping answer would be perhaps she got a better offer somewhere, or she is starting up her own business. A woman like that can’t stay at home; she is just not that kind of a person.

I had the opportunity to have a small conversation over coffee with her today, so I grabbed the chance to ask her what her plan is after saying goodbye. She blurted out a very simple and surprising answer: “I am going to stay at home and take care of my kids”.

Of all the points she made, I remembered her saying that she wants to be involved as much as possible in her children’s life, because they are her life. She just did not want her children to grow up realizing that the parents are too busy with work and other matters and just have no time for the children.

While the chat goes on, I couldn’t help reflecting.

After being married nearly a year, questions of when we are going to have a baby became a norm. We already anticipated this anyway, so we are ready with the answer.People may say the normal things they say, but we refuse to bother.

Having children matters to us, having children means we are ready to give them our commitment, a safe haven to live in, and a conducive, loving and nurturing environment for them to grow up in. Yes, it’s impossible to be perfect, but we want to try never the less.

When the time is right, and God is willing, the miracle will happen. And we believe in that.

When we have children, they will become our life.

So the conversation continues, and in the end I came to a conclusion that eventually, at some point of my life, I could be the one talking, on the other side of the coffee table (except for the part of being succesful as the one talking to me, coz that is not for sure yet.haha)

Miss Independent (or Ms.)

I have read somewhere (I think it was an article in CLEO magazine), that men finds independent women attractive. Is this theory true?

Well i think most of the new generation women are independent. Women nowadays have many more options, and most of them decide their own path of life.

My definition of being independent is simple: Able to do things on my own and finding my own way. I am not intending to brag about myself, but I am comfortable to say that I am an independent woman.

Perhaps it was because of my upbringing, where I pretty much fell into a survival situation. Being left by my parents at a tender age of 13 years, I had no choice, other than learning to survive. My parents had to leave me and brother in homeland for my dad’s posting, so I was sent to a boarding school, and my brother had to live with an uncle in kampong.

Because I started at an early age, I am too used to being independent, up to the point that I suffocate when people start to worry about me and thinking that I am not able to make it on my own.

I also loath it when men treat me like I am a spoiled girl or a weak person, and underestimating my ability to get things done. I mean, dude, I chose to be here, so cut the crap and just let me do my thing. I have found many men with this mindset here in the other side of the country. Maybe it is because they think that women are such fragile and frail creatures. Well sometimes it’s good to use gender as an excuse, but most of the time it just works against me.

However, being independent does not mean that I am insensitive. The bad side to it is that I tend to let my feelings hurt, whenever I yearned for some attention or love, and there was no one who can be there. Honestly, I wept inside, because I was too proud to let it come out of the shadows.

I may be an independent woman, but I am still a woman. Someone who deserves love and some attention once in a while. The independent traits will not go away, definitely, but with a man I love, sometimes I just want to be a woman.

And I am lucky that I met a man which is one of the kind who puts independence in his list. I think that is why he liked me in the first place 😛

So what do you prefer? An independent woman, or not?

Help me prove the theory. Heheh.

Thinking.

I have been opening this blog each and everyday since i last posted an entry.The urge to write something is always there but i seem to always let time flies without any.

Have you ever been thinking? I mean,always thinking? Like constant bubbles of thoughts pops out in your mind,and when it haven’t even popped off yet, another bubble came up? That is kinda what is happening in my mind.I found myself thinking all the time,not only about things that matters but things that doesnt as well.

Ok its not like i am going to talk about everything that i thought of,but some things has been bothering my mind these days:

  • How do i see myself in the future?
  • Am I doing something that I am meant to do?
  • Is there any passion in what i am currently doing?
  • Was this how i planned to end up,7 years back?

The funny thing is,i cant find any answer to most of the questions.But for q no 3,i can answer it without hesitation: No.

People may say that i am not grateful for what God gave me,that i have not learn to appreciate the bounty and His blessings.It is not like that,heck,not at all.Its just that i think i could do something else better,something that i really have the passion for.Something interesting and worth doing (well at least for me).And perhaps something that i know i am good at,and i can extend the goodness to people who receives the end results.

So,i have been thinking.I have decided that i may not stay this way until the end.At one point of time in my life later,i have to make sure the status quo is changed.

Of all the below,i am still figuring out which:

  • Learn arts or graphic design.Sketch.Draw.Design.
  • Write.Be a writer?Write a book?
  • Be an editor or a graphic designer in some kind of magazine?
  • Set up a creative business? (photography? creative stationery? crafts?)
  • Be a rockstar.

I hope it won’t be too late when the time comes, eventually.

Of being selfless or selfish.

I do not consider myself  “not-selfish” or “selfless”.Because personally i think selfishness is human nature. You can see it especially at the worst of times. At times where we have to find escape,and when we sense that we are in danger.

Tak percaya? Cuba test.

But, i always find myself somewhat “trapped” in a situation where i had to DO something, when in fact i actually do not really want to. It seems to me, that my “sacrifice”, made space for people who could not care less, who went away running at light speed through the door, when they made up their mind not to DO that particular thing.

Which,left me alone, and other few who is either in the same condition as mine, or really honestly do not mind doing the thing.

How can people just NOT CARE? How can people just IGNORE and be INDIFFERENT? Is it because of they know that there are people like me? People who are willing to just not be selfish at that time, just because the WORK HAS TO BE DONE.

Sometimes i wonder if there are no more people like me.Will the world be a better place, where we humans care about absolutely nothing, but ourselves?

Honestly,am i that naive and gullible?

Oh, i dream of a day that i can run for the door too.But yet,is it the right thing to do?

It’s a small world after all.

Ever been in a time when the phrase above makes total sense? I did.Many times.But these were recent. And things like this always makes me muse in retrospect.

Story 1

Last few weeks i discovered that i have already met my husband’s 2nd cousin, back in year 2000. She was a senior in my boarding school.Retrospectively, i would have never ever thought that my future husband is just a 2nd-cousin away.And there we were, saying our salams when we brush shoulders,never thinking that in the future we will cross paths again.How did i came to knew about her? Her husband is working in the same company, whom i have liased with last year.Now i officially have a relative in the company.

Story 2

Yesterday a friend from boarding school passed me a wedding invitation card ,of another fellow ex-classmate.When i opened the card, the face of the bride struck me. I knew this person. After confirming the name,it so happened that she was my brother’s “kakak angkat” back when he was in MRSM.

How i knew that she was his pet sis? She happened to study in UTP too, and said hi to me when she knew that i, the real kakak is studying there too.

How the hell does she came to know my fellow ex-classmate? No idea.But for sure, now i know both the bride and groom.Better reason to make it to the wedding 🙂 Insya Allah.

Story 3

I was browsing Facebook,when i came across this particular girl,which i really feel so familiar with. Apparently she was a daughter of my father’s colleague,back when they were posting in Switzerland.We used to hangout when we were in the country during our school holidays.Her connections was my classmates from UTP, but i was very positive that she did not study there.So,how come she has the same connections as mine?

Apparently again,she is now in a relationship with a guy who used to be an x-bf to a fellow classmate.No wonder.Facebook can really do wonders,even in the most unconventional way.At least now i found her and able to keep in touch again.

Conclusion

The world is so small.But yet when your future just pass you by or hit you between your eyes,you never noticed it.Ironic huh?

Have you ever find yourself in this situation?

There is one particular person.She believes that because she is the only manager in the department (not yours,she is from another department),she gets to be rude and narcissistic, and make her point like she fuckin’ rule the world.

She sends you an all caps emails for her request,did not start with a proper greeting, and says things that she do not even know shit about.She complaints about things without getting to know the substance first.She did this more than once.

p/s: Forgive me for the vulgar words.

of a good health.

Just got the results of my annual medical check up (sponsored by the company).All my life,only today i came to know that i am B Positive 😛

DSC01195

Alhamdulillah,semua OK. Except for a slight difference on my hemoglobins shape.Tak paham sebenarnya tapi kata doc its not significant.Laily, leh explain tak? Heheh.

Reminds me of Raihan song.

Ingat lima perkara sebelum lima perkara:

Sihat sebelum sakit,
Kaya sebelum miskin,
Muda sebelum tua,
Lapang sebelum sempit,
Hidup sebelum mati…..

-Hadis Rasulullah S.A.W

Random ramblings.

Random snippets while waiting for the clock to reach the time that i have been waiting for, if you know what i mean.

1) I just finished reading this excellent book – A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini.Seriously.Gives me a whole different perspective of the war in Afghanistan. Enlightens my world affairs portion in my brains too. The story is not told in a historical book way, but more to the lives of 2 women of the country.Hubby bought this book actually,but i finished it first. Heheh.Silalah baca kalau perasaan nak baca buku datang. Berbaloi.

thousand

2) H1N1 frenzy. Aku takut.Ikhlas. Ya Allah lindungilah kami dan berikan kekuatan menghadapi dugaan mu. Anyway,besides of muffling yourself with the mask,do not forget the hand sanitizer.It can spread via skin contact too. Particularly your hands. Good thing now i do not have children to worry about yet. If not i will be a crazy paranoid mum.

3) We are one step closer to making the biggest purchase of our lives 🙂 So now, i am starting the mag buying again.Starting our IMPIANA collection.Hehe. (Dulu, PENGANTIN). Once everything is ready, we will move in end of the year. Insya Allah.

4) Sedikit pendapat mengenai arwah Yasmin Ahmad (they are airing Yasmin Ahmad Dalam Kenangan at Astro now,by the way.Ch 101). I heard the “exposure” made about her past right after her death.I am not condoning cross-gender,but isn’t it wrong to humiliate a person,especially the deceased? That really frustrates me. Instead of focusing on her great works, people are still finding faults.Who are we to judge? Let God do his work.We,on the other hand, pray for His mercy and forgiveness, and try to be a better human.

End. Alaaa..lagi 20 minit.

The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.
The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference.
The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference.
And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.

(Oct. 1986) – Elie Wiesel

Rasa rindu padamu.

Of all the downside of living separately (during the weekdays) from my husband, there is one particular thing that i find worth appreciating.

It’s the fact that I always look forward to the day he arrives home,with his messy undid hair, worn-out-from-work looks and his “Hunny, i am home” smile. It’s the fact that i get to feel excited with the anticipation of getting to spend another 2 days with him waking up beside me. It’s the fact that i get to do my favourite thing at the kitchen, cooking for him, eventhough sometimes it ends up a so-so cuisine.

Eventhough during the short time occassionally there may be some small arguments interlaced, but in the end, when it comes to Monday again, i always felt like hugging him tightly,never to let him go for the rest of the new weekdays.

2 days are never enough, spending quality time with him. But because its 2 days, it makes me appreciate his companionship even more.

p/s : Does not mean that we want to live like this forever, so look ahead, new plans are falling into place now. We will be updating. Heheh. And mind my emotional entry this time, coz i really miss him.